It’s been 16 months of living since that last post, and I have to report that grace-change came quickly and wonderfully.

But may I tell you first, how I came to the epiphany of grace and gratitude? It was a conversation with a co-worker. It’s one of those conversations you wish you didn’t have to have. There had been months of tension at work for all of us. Staff changes and a couple of crises had left us somewhat broken as a team. I had managed to establish or maintain a positive connection with every team member except one. She was the newest staff member, and events had conspired against our work-relationship to the point that I was at wits end as to how we might begin to establish some trust. So one evening, just before I left for Christmas vacation, and with only the two of us left in the office, I started a conversation. I remarked that I’d noticed a certain tension, and a lack of ease between us, and how it saddened me, because I like her, and I’d like to see more ease in our work relationship. I asked her to tell me how I might have been contributing to this tension. She asked if I really wanted her to be honest, and I said I did. Essentially, she felt that I had bitten her head off a couple of times, and she was not comfortable opening up to me.

I was stunned. Me? The peacemaker, the team-builder, the one who sees the best in people and finds a way to encourage and support everyone? Grumpy, grumbling, and sharp? Yep, and my young adult son–for one–would agree with her. In moments of feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, my negative attitude was driving people away. Nevermind the other ninety-five percent of the time. It just takes one or two good snaps to make smart people back off.

My co-worker was seeing what I thought I’d managed to keep under wraps. I was not happy. I was struggling at work, and struggling at home. I wasn’t happy with me.

Why? I was too busy trying to be perfect, and perhaps most importantly, to have perfection in my life. Perfection meant that I was safe. If perfect, that part of my life would not go awry, because there was nowhere for trouble to land. Nothing on which it could hitch. I would love to know where I got that deviant idea. I might trace it back to my infancy as a first-born (many of us are rule-followers and perfectionists by nature), but I believe the tendency went into over-drive at the passing of my husband, Steven. The worst happened. It must be my fault, my failing.

So my co-worker and I wrapped up our conversation with my apology, and my request that she let me know, in any manner she wanted to express herself, if and when I barked, snapped, or otherwise behaved badly. I made this my lesson, and didn’t focus on the fact that it takes two to make a dynamic. I would change my outlook, and therefore my behavior.

During the Christmas holiday with family, I rediscovered grace and gratefulness. I would celebrate my life as is: what it had been, and what it was. No more filtering and editing to present what I thought people would accept, and what I wanted to remember. Warts and all, I was happier. I finally began to see a future, because I was no longer requiring that I be perfect in order to have happiness. God loved me completely just the way I was. He cheered me on, supported me, LOVED me, laughed with me, cried with me, accepted me. When I returned to work in January, I was refreshed, and walked with a new bounce.

Now more than a year later, I am living the fruits of that grace-filled moment. This Christmas, my co-worker mentioned “that” conversation, and how things had changed so dramatically for the better since then. Indeed, not only is my relationship with the co-worker miles upon miles better, my relationship with all of my co-workers and my job itself, is nothing short of miraculous. Is it perfect? No, but that’s not the goal. Is it positive and supportive of growth? Yes!

Grateful for my job, grateful for breath, grateful for challenges, grateful for today.